REFLECTION PAPER

I was a babysitter for 10 weeks. I spent my time keeping kids from making out and from beating each other up. There was some time where I was able to build relationships with the students, but they mostly wanted to hang out with their friends. My problem is that most of the students in this ministry are geared toward activities that I have not even dabbled in. I learned that in a setting like the one at College Wesleyan church, where there are that many kids, having a large number of staff members is a must. The number of adults caring for the kids has to increase as the attendance increases or the ministry will suffer.
My supervisor and I did not spend much time together. Most of my supervised time was me observing him at work within the youth group. I did not see him planning the group activities or writing his sermons. We did have one talk where I learned that he is actually going into prevention of juvenile misdemeanors. I learned that the youth pastor attracts kids that have a similar background to him. He comes from a hard life where he ended up making a lot of bad decisions and many of the kids seem like they come from the same background. I also learned that I need to meet kids where they are at. These kids needed to hear the basic biblical truths because they had no church background and that is exactly what Mike is giving them.
I have learned a lot about myself and how I would work in a ministry setting like this one. After this experience I believe that youth ministry is not for me. Even now I find it difficult to relate to the kids in culture. I know that I really enjoy working with the leadership team and that organization might be my gift.
This practicum has been a gradual downhill slope. I started out pretty hopeful and excited for this new opportunity, but as time passed I became less sure that I was supposed to minister to kids. Even with all the preparation and study in class, as well as 6 years attending a youth group, I cannot seem to connect to these kids. My spiritual journey has been consistent in the disciplines, but inconsistent in the results. It leads me to the conclusion that I am not made for youth Ministry.

WEEK 10 REPORT

Ministry Activities

5:30-6:00 run back and forth between youth group and my dorm
6:00-6:30 Practice Worship set
6:30-7:00 Wander the rooms keeping the kids under control
7:00-7:15 Main session
7:15-7:25 I lead worship
7:25-7:50 Mike preaches
7:50-8:30 Hang out and keep order
8:30-8:45 Close up shop

Personal Reflection

This is the last week that I am required to be at Bodyshop. It is a strange feeling talking to these kids and knowing that I may only see them again the next week. Speaking to Matt (the drummer kid) in particular was weird. He assumes that I will be back next year and is encouraging me to pick up base in order to help out the worship band. I do not know what to say. I do not feel like I am "doing" any ministry here. I have no basis with which to connect to these kids. I come from a completely different background and I do not do the same activities that they do. They skateboard, play football, are gangsters and emos. I play video games, guitar, and ultimate frisbee and am a nerdy college student. I grew up in the church, these kids grew up without it. If I cannot minister to these kids, how am I supposed to minister to the rest of the world. I feel perfectly comfortable ministering to other Christians, but I have no real experience working with the rest of the world. Even going to public schools all my life have not helped that score. I feel inadequate. I know God works through inadequate tools, but He also gifted us each individually to work in a certain way. I hope I can find the way He wants me to serve.

Spiritual Life

I have started doing devos in the afternoon, which is good because I am more awake for them. They have been pretty consistent. I feel beaten by sin sometimes. I know I have victory through Christ, but I want to be able to live the life that He wants me to live. I struggle with the idea that Christ loves me no matter what I do and that He would rather have me live a perfect life. How do I truly believe the former or accomplish the latter? I would like to be able to do both, but I struggle with my flesh. I do not want to sin anymore, but sometimes my body thirsts for things I know that I should stay away from. How can I live perfectly? And if I cannot, what am I supposed to do?

WEEK 9 REPORT

Ministry Activities

5:00-6:00 hang out with staff and staff meeting
6:00-6:45 Monitor upper room
6:45-7:45 Main meeting with worship, games, and sermon
7:45-8:30 Monitor upper room
8:30-9:00 close up shop

Personal Reflection

Small groups are gone. Pastor Mike decided to nix them because we had too few staff people. I agree, but it is a shame because Jess had been having some success with her group opening up and talking. I hope that they are able to get them up and running next year because they were one of the most helpful parts of my youth group experience. The kids were less crazy this week. The sermon "the 411 on Hell" was pretty interesting. I think Pastor Mike is doing a really good job of letting the kids in on basic biblical truths. With this group he really does have to start at the beginning. He presents it in a real, practical, quick, manner. The kids generally listen to him when he preaches. I do not think that youth ministry is my field. It is hard for me to relate to middle schoolers. I still plan to go into ministry, but may be somewhere else.

Spiritual Life

I had an interesting experience this last week while preparing for unit devotionals. I had to present my persuasion speech to my unit on why we should be doing daily personal bible study. I was into the bible a lot this past week and I was also reading a bunch of different Christian authors. I found a lot of peace and satisfaction out of that study. It was another confirmation that I may be called to ministry. I have decided to declare a major in the ministry field, but I am not sure which. I hope the guys in my unit are connecting to God through our unit devos. It is really hard to tell during devos because they all carry pretty blank expressions. Some guys speak up, which is good, but I do not know about some of them.

WEEK 8 REPORT

Ministry Activities

5:00-6:00--> Hang out with staff and staff meeting
6:00-6:45--> Monitor the upper loft
6:45-7:40--> Main program and worship
7:40-8:05--> Small Group meeting
8:05-8:30--> Monitor the upper room

Personal Reflection

This week was pretty difficult. It started out alright working the upper room. My main job was to keep people from completely destroying the air hockey table and the ping pong table that are already in heavy disrepair. I got into a game of XBOX football with Grant and then the main meeting started up. The kids acted like they always do: not paying attention and talking to each other. That is, until Britten started speaking. There were still a few kids talking, but it seemed to me like most were listenign or at least speaking very softly. Britten had a really good message to tell. I did not know all that he said about his past. I hope these kids can learn something from it. Small groups were difficult. There were a few kids giving actual answers, but the trouble makers kept throwing in random comments they thought were funny and getting us off track. I think I need to be more in control as far as making sure everybody shuts up so that one person can speak at a time. This needs to be a place where everyone's voice can be heard. It's difficult knowing that most of these kids won't be in the group the next year and I don't have time to actually help impact them in the way I would like to. After small groups it seemed like everyone wanted to get in a fight. I had to break up a bunch of people that were just "joking" or "messing around". I am going to make a point to Britten or Pastor Mike that they need to bring this up. The kids need to know that it's not ok. As the kids were waiting for rides I had to police them out in the rain. By the time I got out there it did not seem like I needed to be because the kids seemed to be behaving pretty well. I don't think all this craziness is for me.

Spiritual Life

I've been in the word more recently, which is good, but it is hard to pull out pertinent info out of Ezekiel. I don't even really understand what is going on. One minute it seems like he is having a vision and the next something is happening in the real world. I still pray at meals, but I need to make some time to just pray to God. I want to talk to Him, but I let schoolwork and friends push that out of my schedule so that I hardly think about it. I've been having some success over temptation. I've realized that I am wired a certain way and that as long as I do not let my mind wander I will be alright. Take every thought captive. I hope that I will still be empowered to do so.

WEEK 7 REPORT: SMALL GROUPS BEGIN

Ministry Activities

5:00-6:00--> Hang out with staff and have a staff meeting
6:00-6:45--> Monitor the main room
6:45-7:15--> Keep kids listening to the anouncements and break the kids into small groups
7:15-8:10--> Meet my small group and build us together through some activities
8:10-Close--> Monitor the kids and close up shop

Personal Reflection

This week gave me a lot of hope for the group. Small groups were some of my most fond memories of my youth group back home. It is a place where I can really get to know the kids and since the groups were randomly assigned within grade, I got a group of guys who will get to know each other too. I hope we will be able to get along and actually have good conversation. I want people to actually think about some of the bigger questions. My guys seemed to get along pretty well. My biggest issue with these groups is that I am not going to be there during the summer. These kids need continuity in the staff and small group leaders. If every semester they get a different sponser to lead their small group and they are with different guys, it will not be nearly as effective. If they could stay with the same guys and with the same staff a trusting relationship will be gained all around. Ten weeks is simply not enough time to build that kind of trust. Not to mention we started them seven weeks in. If we stop coming in three weeks, small groups will be an interesting experiment that did no good.

Spiritual Life

I've really been struggling with some temptation this week. It is hard to keep up a solid prayer life and devotional life. Hopefully Spring Break will be a time of rejuvination and reorientation. I need to get back on track, but at least I can recognize that. Sometimes I hate the fact that I am human and have to constantly struggle against my flesh and the devil. It is hard for me to see the way out that God provides. I wish He would just take away the need to fight.

WEEK 6 REPORT: GAME DAY

Ministry Activities

5:00-6:00--> Hang out with staff and staff meeting
6:00-6:45--> Monitor kids in the main room. Keep order
6:45-7:15--> Keep kids listening to announcements and directions
7:15-8:15--> Lead a group of kids through the activities of the night
8:15-Close--> Keep order in the main room.

Personal Reflection

This week seemed like a filler. The kids hung out and had fun, but we did not have any teaching or worship. It is good to have time for the kids just to have fun, but they can have fun anywhere. It is our place to present Christ. People might tell me "preach Christ at all times and if necessary use words", but I believe that youth group is a place Christ ought to be exemplified and taught. Granted, they almost alway bring it up, but this week it was just a club. I hope it had a better impact than I saw. My group was pretty cooperative and we came in second place after all the games were said and done. We had a couple issues, but that is to be expected when dealing with middle school kids. Overall they tried to work together and have fun. I don't like having to monitor the main room. I relate best to kids through events. Doing things with them or presenting things to them work best for me. I need to work on getting to know the kids through just talking and hanging out.

Spiritual Life

Devos have been going pretty well and I have been working hard on beating temptation. I have come to a realization about prayer. When asking God for action or strength I need to keep in mind His plan. From here on out I intend to make sure that I recognize the limited scope of my knowledge and that what I think would be best might not be. It helps me keep perspective when I pray that God would work out His plan. I still ask Him to do what I think would help, but I make sure to recognize in my prayer that God's plan is higher than I can understand a lot of the time.

WEEK 5 REPORT: SABBATH

Sabbath Remembrances

The spiritual discipline of sabbath used to be something that my parents enforced or that I exploited to get out of doing work. I was pretty good about it in high school, largely because my parents would not let me go out or do anything with my friends on the weekend until my homework was all finished. I loved and hated that rule. Sometimes I would have a bunch of homework and would not be able to go out, but it was great knowing that I had nothing else that I had to accomplish that weekend.

Snow day Sabbath

Nothing to do. There were no responsiblities. Well, at least no responsibilities that I would let myself think too much about. My greatest mistake was not going immediately back to sleep after I heard that class was canceled. No, I wanted to make the most of this day so I stayed up and played video games. Unfortunately, this left me fried for the rest of the day. If I had had class that day I probably would not have paid any attention anyway. It was incredible to just hang out with people, go see a movie, and then hang out with people again. It was fellowship. Not the cheap forced kind we try to make at youth group sometime, but the real relationship building, fun, inner healing kind of fellowship. Love abounded on campus that day. We all had a common denominator: No Class. I believe that this is what made these days so special. It was not that there was a bunch of snow outside, that there were a bunch of activities available, or even that there was not class. It was that for that day, we were all the same. We did different things, hung out with different people, and had different experiences that day, but we were all free to do whatever we wanted. This feeling tied us all together. Christ should be this way. He ought to be the common denominator that makes every day seem like a party. We should have that real fellowship with each other because we are all the same. There are no jocks, geeks, cool, slacker, punk, or whatever else. We are all CHRISTIANS dang it! We are free in Christ. We have inner healing, security, contentment, righteousness, compassion, purpose, and so much else from God. If we had snow day sabbath and snow day community all the time then people would want Christianity more than the disease we sometimes portray it as. So many Christians do not realize what benefit they get from being in relationship with Christ. This is what my sabbath taught me. It taught me about community and rest in Christ. He wants us to have a blast just hanging out with each other at least once a week. I am going to strive this semester to keep my sundays open for sabbath. I know this might mean sacrificing some Friday and Saturday time, but I believe that it will be totally worth it.

WEEK 4 REPORT

Ministry Activities

5:00-5:45--> Get Acquainted with Staff
5:45-6:00--> Staff Meeting
6:00-7:00--> Keep Order
7:00-8:00--> Main Program (I participate and keep order)
8:00-8:45--> Play Games with the kids till they leave
8:45-9:00--> Help Shut Down

Personal Reflection

This was my first week feeling like an outsider. For the first hour of youth group I do not think that I really fulfilled my duty in building relationships with the kids. I settled for watching the kids interact and helping keep order. Because of this, I feel like I missed some opportunities. It is really hard for me to relate to these kids. They do not seem to like the same things I do at all. I am a soccer/frisbee/video game player that enjoys old school Christian rock and ska music. They are punks/skaters that play football and listen to hardcore rock/rap and emo music. However, I realize it is not their job to try and relate to me, but rather my job to try and relate to them. I think this one is going to need to involve me stepping out of my comfort zone and instead of trying to relate to them on something I am good at, trying to learn something they are good at. This is the opposite approach I take to most relationships. I try to do things with people I do not know that we can both relate to, but I cannot seem to find this in this group. Maybe I just need to look harder. This was the first week Pastor Mike came to Bodyshop. There seemed to be a bit more order and the main program was a lot better. He spoke about forgiveness and had an altar call at the end. That is completely foreign to me. My church rarely did that kind of thing. It seemed like it was really powerful for the kids, but as I recall from my middle school days, that kind of thing does not last long. The staff were called on to come forward and pray for the kids so I went up and did so. It was a very different experience for me to be the staff in that situation. I am glad that I was able to do it though. I hope that the kids will listen to the message and actually change because of it. I feel naive for still hoping this, but I believe anything is possible in Christ. The biggest issue I have with this group is the worship time. I have talked to some kids and they seem to enjoy it, but from what I have seen, the vast majority of them are not paying attention at all to what is really going on. It is fun, but I do not know how much God is there. The group that is actually energetic about it have that attitude because it provides them an outlet to have a pseudo mashpit. The rest mostly just stand close to the stage and talk to each other. It is hard for me to understand why they have worship at all in a session like that. I do not think the kids are actually communing with God, but I hope He is having an impact that I cannot see. I know He can work in ways that I cannot understand and work in these kids when I cannot see it, but I do not know that He is. This is so different from what I am used to.

Spiritual Life

I have had an inconsistent devotional life this week. It is still better than it was before I came to college, but it has suffered a bit recently. I get to it about every other night, and I want it to be better than that. Consequently, my prayer life suffered some because one of my most honest and deepest times of prayer is during devotionals. I know Prof Gunsalus said that ministry and our spiritual life do not necessarily affect each other, but I think they did in this circumstance. I think that a poor spiritual life can negatively affect ministry, but a positive spiritual life may not improve ministry. God will accomplish His purpose either way. I need to work on the spiritual discipline of sleep too. Part of the issue is not my fault, but part of it is. I would like to get to bed earlier, but my dorm is a very loud place to live even after quiet hours go on. For instance, recently we had a "Brawl Night" in which they decided to blast techno music. This happened at about midnight; right when I was trying to get to sleep. I hope that God will help me accomplish this discipline because I am really feeling the toll right now.

WEEK 3 REPORT

Ministry Activities

5:00-5:30--> Talk to other staff members and learn to do sound board
5:30-5:40--> Introduce my girlfriend to the Bodyshop; she wants to help sponsor
5:40-6:00--> Sponsor meeting before opening; assigning tasks
6:00-7:00--> Meet with the kids; build relationships through games
7:00-7:45--> Main program; sit with kids in their groups; keep order during worship and message
7:45-8:30--> Play soccer with kids; meet with pastor Mike and other sponsers to arrange weekly Monday night meeting
8:30-9:00--> Help close up shop; keep order with kids that are leaving

Personal Reflection

It was interesting having Jess (my girlfriend) there tonight. I actually thought that I would be more distracted than I was. Thankfully we were able to do our own thing in order to best minister to the kids.
I noticed, to my dismay, that this week I spent more time doing what I wanted to than catering to the kids. I was playing soccer and then I noticed that there were eight sponsors and two kids playing. We all did not realize that the kids did not really want to play soccer. I talked with one girl in particular who pointed out to me that they usually had dodgeball in the place we had played soccer in and that it was something that she usually enjoyed doing. I intend to make it a point next week that we get as many kids involved doing dodgeball instead of us selfishly taking up the court to do what we as sponsors want to do.
Pastor Mike showed up tonight. Finally. We had a meeting with him and all the sponsors that let us know that the kids are not usually as crazy as they have been the past few weeks and that hopefully Pastor Mike's presence will calm them down over the coming weeks. That is encouraging because they have been pretty crazy so far.
I do not know if youth ministry is for me. If the kids keep up the way they have been then I am going to get drained. Maybe I am supposed to go into an older group. I do not know. I will try not to let the difficulty get to me, but it is not easy.

Spiritual Life

This week has been filled with temptation. The devil wants to make me fall and has been attacking every time my guard falls. Whenever my mind can wander or I am not fully awake he barrages my mind. I pray for the strength to fight him off and the wisdom to avoid tempting situations. Hopefully this will build into perseverence and I will be stronger for it in the future. Devotions are going well. I was challenged recently during devotion time about my prayer life. I am afraid that I have been treating God like an ATM instead of a personal, omnipotent, caring, loving God that wants to talk to me. My typical prayers have been "dear God, would you do this, thanks, by". I need to speak my frustrations and my cares to Him as well as my wonder at who He is. As well, I intend to build time in to listen. It is really more important for me to hear what He has to say than for Him to hear what I have to say. He already knows it anyway.

WEEK 2 REPORT

Ministry Activities

5:00-5:50--> Hang out with the other staff
5:50-6:00--> Staff meeting and task assignment for the night
6:00-7:00--> Hang out with the kids. Play basketball and keep order
7:00-7:45--> Main show with worship and group game. I keep order
7:45-8:30--> Kids start leaving and I build relationships with them through games
8:30-9:00--> Keep kids from killing each other

Personal Reflection

It does not seem like I have much authority or responsiblity in this group. Sponsers are not told what we really need to do or how to do it. It has been a free-for-all and I have to play it by ear. I feel sort of frustrated that I have not been given any direction as to what I am supposed to do. I feel like a lunch monitor at a school. "Enjoy the kids company and don't let them kill each other" seems to be my task. That is not enough for me. I want to be an active part of this ministry, not a sideline referee.
The kids are insane. They are fun and friendly enough when they are inside playing basketball or dodgeball, but once they got outside to wait for the vans they turned plain vicious. They were tossing snowballs with rocks in them and completely ignoring our instruction. I felt like I had the responsibility to maintain order and no ability to do so. There was no kind of penalty I could deal out and no priveledge that I could give them to change what they were doing. They wouldn't even listen to anything I had to say. I do not know how to get these kids' attention and respect. I am trying to be respectful to them and treat them like I want to be treated, but it does not seem to mean anything to them. All it meant was that they could walk all over me.

Spiritual Reflection

My spiritual life is doing pretty well. Devotions are pretty consistent and my prayer life is pretty good. My relationships are going well and God is a pretty constant part of my life. I ask God for wisdom on how to deal with these kids and how to keep a good attitude. I wish that I could get more out of devotions. Sometimes it is very difficult for me to see something new in a passage I have read many times. I hope that through this discipline I am actually growing closer to God. Pray for patience and wisdom for me please.

WEEK 1 REPORT

My Activities
5:00-6:00 : meet the staff and learn the general rules for the youth group
6:00-7:00 : meet the kids, introduce myself, relationship building and order keeping
7:00-8:00 : watch over the proceedings of the evening, keep the kids involved and following instructions
8:00-8:40 : hang out with the kids, participate in their games, maintain order
8:40-9:00 : close up shop

Personal Reflection on My Ministry
I arrived at College Wesleyan church at 5:00 just as I was told to. My first surprise was that the youth pastor that I was supposed to meet wasn't even there. He hadn't given me any warning even though we had exchanged e-mails a few days before. So, I met the guy filling in for him, Britten, and he had me meet some of the staff. They showed me the facilities and gave me an overview of a general night at the JC Bodyshop. I met a few of the kids that help lead worship there. Matt plays the drums; Dallas plays the electric guitar; and Amy helps sing. They have a college graduate that leads on the guitar and sings. I was inspired to retrieve my guitar from my dorm so I asked Britten about it and he gave me the go ahead. It was a good idea because it broke the ice between Dallas and I. We were able to talk about guitar things until the rest of the kids arrived. I was introduced to his friends and we had some good conversation. The evening was a lot more relaxed than I had anticipated. Some of the middle school kids and I just built relationships until worship started. The biggest difference between this group and my middle school experience is the size. Not only are there many more kids, but the facilities are much larger. Therefore, the worship experience was much different. These kids come from rougher backgrounds than did the kids at my middle school and so the group has made concessions for that. They have to sign in and are not allowed back in if they leave. The worship looks a lot more like a concert with all the kids rushing to the stage area and jumping around. It's good for releasing energy, but I don't think most of the kids understand what is going on. I hope that the time of worship brings the kids closer to God. It seems like the group is much more focused on bringing the kids to a place where they can have fun than to a place where they can meet Christ. I did not see much difference between this group and an after school club. There was praise music and a message spoken, but I don't know if the kids really get it. I need to find out more about what the group is doing to help the more mature Christians in the group grow. Games are good, but the most important part about a youth group is that it brings people to God.

Spiritual Reflection
God asked some difficult things of me this week. I had some confessions to make and some forgiveness to ask. However, God blessed me by providing forgiveness and giving me the drive to change. By overcoming these challenges I was much more confident in helping out at the youth group because I figured that if I could obey God in those other things than certainly I could do what He called me to do at the group. I am gaining boldness for Christ and that is very exciting for me. I have been reading Acts in my devotions recently and have been really struck by Paul's amazing confidence in what he believed and what he knew he could do. He healed people and brought people back from the dead as if it were nothing new. I want that. I want to be able to have supreme confidence in what God calls me to do and confidence that He will truly empower me to do these things.

I avoided this like the plague...

I avoided things like blogging, myspace, and facebook like the plague until I got here. Now not only do I have Facebook, but also a freaking blog! What's going on?????